Bit of a Flop
by classicdoctorwhorocks
Summary: Walker is in a very different sort of trouble. And what happens when Pike takes matters into his own hands?


Chapter 1

The platoon stood to attention in the substantially-sized room, as Captain Mainwaring examined his men. Most of them had wet hair and faces, and Private Pike was still removing his mackintosh.

'For heaven's sake get a move on, Frank!' Sergeant Wilson said sharply.

'It's not my fault Mum wouldn't get me another one for this year,' the boy pouted childishly. Wilson sighed.

'You receive more than enough pocket money, and your savings from the bank. You could easily save up for a new one…'

'Alright Wilson,' Mainwaring interrupted, 'I'm gratified that you are enforcing some discipline into Pike, but leave it to the professionals. Alright, carry on.' Wilson waited a few seconds as Pike scurried to his place at the far end of the front line.

'Ahem… stand at ease.' Mainwaring began his talk. 'As most of you will know, things have been getting a bit soggy recently…'

'Ye doona say,' muttered Frazer quietly, in his trademark Scottish accent. The Captain pretended he hadn't heard.

'And due to this, the roof of the church hall is unstable. We have no idea how serious the rotting is after all these years, and we aren't taking any chances. Therefore, the church is only to be used for the Vicar's weekly services on Sundays. Godfrey is very kindly letting us use his dining room as a base.'

'Guv? Um, I mean, sir?' A voice asked from the rows.

'Yes Walker?'

'Are you sure you should 'ave the choir in there sir? I mean, it's enough to have a man's head off if 'e's standin' too near, and it'd make short work of a few planks.' There were a few sniggers from the rest of the platoon, and Mainwaring sighed.

'We'll have none of that, Walker. Luckily for you, it's just gone nine.' He looked around once more. 'Platoon dismissed.' The group of men fell out of their rows, and began to talk among themselves. Lance Corporal Jones spotted Walker hurrying to the door.

'Ere! Where you going in such a hurry?'

'Church 'all,' the man replied in his usual nonchalant, cocky manner. 'I'm goin' there on business.'

'You can't do that! It's out of bounds!'

'It's for the vicar, innit?' The soldier protested. 'He said he'd pay for the delivery, and delivered it's goin' ter be.' Jones shook his head. Once Joe had a notion in his head, there was no stopping him.

'What you delivering?'

'Two bottles o' Scotch,' Walker grinned. 'Bob each.' He waved, and headed off into the night.

/

'Arthur?'

'Mm?'

'Was that the doorbell?'

'Hang on Mavis, see if it rings again.'

'There it goes.'

'Right. I'll get it.'

'Ta. But mind you don't wake Frank!'

Wilson slowly descended the stairs, as the doorbell rang urgently. What could someone want at the Pikes' at 11 o'clock at night?

He opened the door groggily.

'Frazer… what do you think you're-'

'Get oot o' your bed, man!' Frazer hissed urgently. 'What're ye doin' in ye're nightclothes, ye daftie? Come with me!'

'For heaven's sake, Frazer, why?'

'Haven't ye heard?' Wilson spotted the deranged look which always came into Frazer's eyes during a crisis. 'The church hall roof has collapsed!'

/

The roof had obviously collapsed at its weak point in the centre, and there was splintered wood everywhere, from where the soggy wood had given in. The platoon stood in their usual three lines in the freezing rain, as Mainwaring did a roll call.

'Wait a minute. Where's Walker?'

'Permission to speak, sir!'

'Yes, Jones?'

'He's gone to the church hall, sir!' Jones shouted.

'Oh, that's alright, then…eh- HANG ON, THIS _IS _THE CHURCH HALL! He must be trapped inside! '

'But why on Earth would he go here?' Wilson wondered. 'Jones, did he tell you anything?'

'Um, yes sir, Mr Wilson,' Jones said, furrowing his brow and biting his bottom lip in deep thought. 'Um, he said he was going to the church hall with two gotters per Scot-'

'Two bottles of Scotch, ye mean, Jonesy?' Frazer said eagerly.

'Yes, thank you Mr Frazer- an, and, he said, he said it was for the Vicar, that's what he said! Yes, the Vicar.' The Vicar decided to arrive that very moment, cursed as he was with an awful sense of timing. He looked up at the collapsed roof, with what he thought was the look of a distressed saint. It actually made him look, as Frazer often said, as if he needed very badly to go to the toilet.

'Oh, my poor, poor sermons! And my new chair! And the beautiful tapestries! And the-'

'Shut up, you troublemaker!' Jones hissed menacingly. 'Thanks to you and your, your idiocy, our Joe is stuck in that building what just collapsed, he is!'

'Mr Walker?' The Vicar looked surprised. 'But I was meeting him in the church hall in Heybridge, where my house is! I go there to worship on Sunday nights. I drove over as soon as I heard.'

'I see. So Walker must have made a mistake,' Mainwaring said grimly. 'One that may cost him his life. Now. The next course of action must be to…'

'Stand back! Step aside, please, Madam! This is an ARP matter, don't you know this is an emergency?' Much eye-rolling and mutinous mutterings were going on at this commotion, and ARP Warden Hodges appeared from the crowd, white hat slightly askew. His left eyebrow was twitching reflexively, as it always did when he was in action. This gave the illusion that he had a pair of thick black caterpillars on his face.

'Mr Hodges!' Mainwaring said, wincing behind his rounded spectacles as if asking for assistance was physically painful. 'We require your judgement, for what it's worth. Private Walker is stuck in that building.' Hodges' eyebrows shot up.

'Oh gawd, not again!'

It had only been three months since Walker had returned from his business in the East End of London. He had broken his leg as well as other injuries, in a particularly violent bombing, but had insisted on getting a train home, on the grounds that the doctors in Deptford had worse cases to deal with, and frankly he didn't trust them.

'They got too many crazy ideas, they do,' he'd told his friends. 'All shiny floors an' needles an' chemicals an' all that malarkey. I wouldn't trust 'em with a dog, never mind a human being. Bonkers, the lot o' them.'

Nonetheless, everybody was glad to have their dubious supplier back.

'Indeed.' Mainwaring said. 'Now, what would be your recommended course of action?' Hodges, exhilarated that he had been handed the reins, grinned devilishly.

'I'll tell you what I think… I think that I should go in with my lads, while you has-beens keep your noses out for once!' Mainwaring coloured at this insult.

'You will hold your tongue, before we decide to-'

'Mr Mainwaring!' The Verger shouted. He had been skirting the crowd unnoticed for some time, and had finally found his way to the cause of the commotion.

'Not now, Verger,' Mainwaring said distractedly. 'Now, you look: That building is highly unstable, and could collapse at any moment. If it's the ARP who you want to be killed under that roof, then so be it.' Hodges had turned a pasty white colour at the gravity of the situation.

'Um, well,' he said awkwardly. 'ARP's for bombs, innit? None of our business, really… right, bye.' This was as close to an apology as you were able to get from Hodges, and Mainwaring smiled grimly as Hodges strode into the laughing crowd, and disappeared from view.

'Now that bother is taken care of, we can work out a sensible strategy.'

'Mr Mainwaring!' shouted the Verger frantically.

'Hawd yer wheesht!' Frazer snapped. 'The Cap'n's thinkin'!'

'Right, men,' Mainwaring said sharply. 'We will approach the building with caution. I will go first, Wilson next. If anything happens, I shall be the first to know.'

The men approached the collapsed part of the building cautiously. Mainwaring carefully opened the door to 'his' office, observing the mess with barely concealed discomfort.

He put his foot on the first floorboard.

There was an almighty splintering crash, and a large beam fell through the ceiling, and barely missed Mainwaring's nose as it landed on the floor. Mainwaring squinted upwards, to see a jagged hole, as well as a lump of plaster hanging precariously just above his head.

'Ah,' he said finally. 'I think we had better do a lot more thinking.'

/

The men sat gloomily in the courtyard, their efforts to create a plan fruitless. All plans involved entering the massively dangerous building. They had considered getting a ladder and entering through the upstairs, but the floor would be definitely weak.

'I cannae believe that Walker has to go like this,' Frazer said morosely.

'Don't talk like that!' Pike muttered. 'You're talking as if he's already dead.'

'Well, he has been in there for quite some time,' worried Godfrey, who was still in his nightgown. 'I do wish I knew why he hasn't given a shout.'

'Unconscious, most likely,' Private Sponge said.

'Do you remember that time that Walker found a parachute, and made it into eight dozen pairs of ladies' knickers?'

'Aye, tha' was a good one,' Frazer grinned, happy that Pike seemed to be cheering up. 'An' when Mrs Pike turned oot tae be wearin' a pair…'

'Yeah, that was good! And that time when Mr Jones had that bag thing on the van, and he and Walker turned up acting all silly and happy. I've never seen someone laugh so hard!'

'Me neither, laddie, me neither,' said Frazer sadly. 'I miss him, lad.'

'Me too, Mr Frazer.' Pike wandered off, presumably to talk to Wilson.

Frazer and Godfrey sat in companionable silence (A sight to behold in itself), simply thinking.

Just then, Walker came up behind them.

'Hullo, Taffy!' He grinned. 'What's the row?'

'Oh, hello, Joe,' Frazer said absently. 'We were just- WALKER?!'

'Um, yeah. 'Ang about, what 'appened to the church 'all?'

'WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?!' Everybody jumped as Frazer yelled. 'WE'VE BEEN SITTIN' HERE FOR HOURS TRYIN' TAE FIND A WAY TO GET TAE YE!'

'Why would I be in there?'

'The Vicar said you were, Walker,' Sponge said. 'He said you were going to the church hall to…'

'Oh, right!' Walker grinned again. 'I'll tell you what 'appened. Y'see, I had to slip 'ome to get some… essentials, an' just as I was leavin', the Verger phoned, saying it was a mistake, an' I were to meet Vicar at Heybridge.'

'Why din' ye tell us, ye daft bampot?!' Frazer demanded, turning on the Verger.

'I tried to tell you all,' the Verger said, blinking owlishly. 'But you wouldn't listen, you wouldn't.'

'You're just a troublemaker, you are!' Jones accused.

'Me?! If anyone's a troublemaker, it would be-'

'BE QUIET!' The fight ceased, and everyone turned to look at Wilson, who had shouted. 'Now, you're all acting extremely childishly. Jones, you let go of the Verger. Verger; we appreciate your help, but maybe you should go home now. Now, let's apologize, shall we? Jonesy, you first.' Jones shook his head defiantly, mouth tight shut.

'_Jonesy…' _The butcher sighed, and opened his mouth reluctantly.

'I apologize sincerely for calling you a troublemaker, despite the fact that you were only trying to help.'

'That was lovely, now wasn't it. Verger?'

'Alright. It was wrong to try to argue, because you were trying to defend Mr Frazer.'

'Right. Now shake hands, both of you.' Both men reluctantly shook. 'Alright Verger, off you go. Please tell the Vicar that all is well.' Mainwaring watched the short man walk off with a touch of annoyance.

'You never fail to amaze me, Wilson.'

'Oh. Well, let's keep it that way, shall we?' Wilson smiled mysteriously, and set to assembling the men.

'Right, fall in, three little lines, please. That's very nice, thank you. Sir?'

''Atten…SHUN!' **THUMP! **Thump. 'Very good. Eh- hang on. Where's Private Pike?'

'Mr Walkeeerrrr!' A voice came from inside the church. 'Mr Walker, are you there? Joe?' Everyone's head turned to the door, to see it slightly ajar.

'Frank, is that you?!' Wilson called, his voice half an octave higher than usual.

'Pike, get oot o' there!'

'What you playing at, Spikey!'

'Do please get out!'

'I can't!' Pike shouted hysterically.

'Yes you can, you stupid boy! The door's right in front of you!'

'No Mr Mainwaring, that's not what I meant! I have to do this because nobody else is going to, and Walker's risked his skin for us, so why not us? And anyway I'm nearly twenty and it's time I finally proved myself like Tarzan does in Tarzan of the Apes and I don't care what my mum thinks because Mr Walker's in there and I'm going to get him out even if that means…'

'But Spikey!' Walker yelled. 'I'm out 'ere! I was never in there in the first place!'

There was a long silence. The platoon could practically see the "Stiff Upper Lip" act slip, to be replaced by a classic Frank Pike scowl.

'Why does nobody tell me anything?' Pike sulked.

That was when the roof fell on him.

/

'Oh, it's ever so nice, Uncle Arthur,' Pike said happily, inspecting the engineering book with interest.

'Well, I knew that you want to be a train driver once you've saved enough,' Wilson said kindly. 'It was going to wait till your birthday, but… well, just don't tell your mother, alright?'

'I'm not sure, Uncle Arthur,' Pike said honestly. 'Mum's awfully good at knowing if I lie.'

'Well, she won't ask about it if she don't know, will she?' Walker reasoned.

'I suppose not. Thanks, Joe.'

The small group were gathered around Pike's bed on their first visit since the church hall incident. Most of the presents had been nice, especially Walker's gift of liquorice allsorts, which Mrs Pike had confiscated after her son had made himself sick eating them.

'You're very lucky, Pike,' Mainwaring said, smiling slightly. 'You received minimal injuries. You're lucky it was only that load of plaster that came down, instead of a wooden beam. And I think we all learned a valuable lesson.'

'What?'

'To never jump to conclusions in times of great stress,' Mainwaring said confidently. 'You would do well to follow my example.'

'Uh, sir,' Walker said slyly. 'Wasn' it you who assumed I was inside the buildin' in the first place?'

'Walker…'

**Fin.**


End file.
